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Catacombs discovered beneath Bonaventure Hall


A shocking discovery was made this week as an entrance to a system of catacombs has been discovered beneath Bonaventure Hall.  This discovery was made by four residents of the dormitory as they were innocently looking for a place to “study scripture.” As more details surface, students are beginning to question their safety from the paranormal presence below.

“I really have no words to describe it, it’s just creepy!” remarked Becca Thompson, freshman nursing major. Thompson told the Lemon that she had been late to the discovery because she had to pick up a bottle of “blessed” blue-raspberry vodka for the impromptu event. The bottle was confiscated by residence life officials, but no charges have been pressed.

Anja Visigoth, freshman nursing major, was credited with this discovery. “I’ve been coming down here since September,” stated Visigoth. “It’s a place for me to relax and clear my head.” That is all this reporter was able to collect, unfortunately. She really gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Devon with a “y,” as he asked to be called, was also in attendance. “We were just hangin,’ y’know, reading scripture and stuff” he remarked while glancing, occasionally, at some writing on his hand. Devon with a “y” was also found with an ounce of “sage” he planned to burn as it would “cleanse the space.” The sage was also confiscated by residence life officials, charges have been pressed.

The fourth freshman nursing major refused to comment; however, this reporter was itching to know how other residents felt about their new, departed, dormmates.

“This makes a lot of sense,” stated Lauren Larson, first-year dietetics major. Larson told the Lemon that she had been experiencing paranormal activity for some time now. She stated examples such as “lights flickering violently in the hallway, shower curtains opening and closing on their own,” and “schoolbooks being sent flying across her dorm room.”

Reagan Johnson, with Larson during the interview, said she’d also been experiencing such activity. “I’ve been having trouble focusing on my schoolwork,” Johnson explained. “I hear noises, my mouth gets dry, and I feel a unignorable urge for munchies.” Since this interview, this reporter has learned that residence life officials have confiscated large amounts of sage, too, from Johnson’s dorm.

Even more upsetting was when Todd Palmer, sophomore calligraphy major, reported sighting zombies returning to Bonaventure, from isolation. “It’s every weekend, bro” Palmer said. “I look out my window in Treacy and there they are, shuffling back to campus, groaning, and I can’t help but get goose-fleshy!” Palmer described these zombies as not “well dressed for cold temperatures” and recounted a time he saw one “spew brains onto a nearby bush.” We at the Lemon wish Palmer a full and speedy recovery.

While there is no official statement yet by the University, about one mile of catacombs has been uncovered beneath Viterbo’s campus.  Plans to seal off or move the corpses have yet to be discussed. We will update you as soon as more information becomes available.

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