‘Vic the V-Hawk’ named tenth President of Viterbo, unfortunately
President Elect, Vic the V-Hawk, Sworn Into Office
December 13, 2021
In a turn of events, that shocked no one, ‘Vic the V-Hawk’ has been named the tenth President of Viterbo… God, save us all. The decision came abruptly after Viterbo Board of Trustees gave up on waiting for students to tell them what they wanted. So, president elect, Victor V. Hawk, was sworn into office December 13, 2021.
After the former president of Viterbo vanished, during an overly complicated scavenger hunt put on by Weekends at VU, the president’s seat has been left vacant since the start of the semester. Though things have been running smoothly without a president, the Board of Trustees was anxious to put a new butt in the seat and a face to pin all Viterbo’s problems on; apparently the Board saw Vic as the right butt/face for the job.
“Who could have seen this coming?” said Gabby Sanchez, an overly sarcastic plumbing major, “Yeah, I am sure everyone was just shocked. Vic? The face of our school? Really? SOMEBODY PINCH ME!” Also, weighing in on this appointment was second year theatre major, Brenda Sites. “I am so upset,” Sites responded, “Vic is not the bird for the job… he is exactly the wrong choice for our next president.”
Since learning of the board’s decision Sites has taken action. “We have started a Twitter feed with the hashtag, ‘NOTMYVUPRESIDENT’ to get Vic removed immediately.” When asked if Sites had attended any previous presidential listening sessions, she responded, “What? There were listening-sessions? When? Well, I was busy.”
“I am deeply honored, Go V-Hawks!” stated Vic, who doesn’t have Twitter, “I have a really good feeling about this new job, and I think the students do too. Apparently, they are organizing something in the Assisi Courtyard tomorrow because of me, how exciting!” This reporter did not have the heart to tell Vic the truth…
The overwhelming disapproval of the board’s decision leaves board members to throw their hands up in the air and make that breathy glottal sound, that moms make. “Everyone’s always ‘cool with whatever’ until that ‘whatever’ is put down on paper,” stated frustrated board member, Nancy Pelosi (No, not that one), “I just wish we had learned these student concerns a lot sooner. Now, unfortunately, students ‘get what they get!’”
Vic is set to fully take office at the start of spring semester. An unofficial statement from the Board of Trustees says that there is “Nothing the students can do now. Read the verdict and weep. Na na nah boo boo! Oh? You gonna cry? Well boohoo, go on and cry then like a bunch of babies.” The Lemon sends their sincere regards to all students. Good luck.