It has been a long, cold, lonely winter for all of us this academic year; however, none can deny it has been hardest for campus mascot, Victor V-Hawk. Vic, once the joy-filled, fun-loving, bubbling personality of Viterbo finally speaks out about his struggles with a peculiar addiction.
After several months in rehab, Vic is well on his path to recovery and has agreed to sit down with the Lemon to share his journey through dark times. “It has been a long winter,” explained Vic, “frankly I just didn’t give a cluck about anything anymore—I hardly recognized myself.”
It is often overlooked that Vic, along with the rest of the student body, has been ordered to quarantine since March of last year. Though steady at first, isolation and lack of student interaction made Vic susceptible to a strange new addiction—pooing on cars.
Nancy Drew, no not that one, works in admissions with Vic and is credited for getting him the help he needed. “I just knew something was amiss,” stated Drew. “First it was his erratic behavior, he just seemed off,” she explained, “But the day I witnessed Vic defecating on my Kia Sorento, I knew something was really wrong… that just isn’t like him!”
Jim Cardstock, that one IT guy, said he started virtually keeping track of the days “Faculty entered lot E to find their cars covered, bumper-to-bumper, in caked-on bird droppings.” However, it wasn’t just his colleagues who noticed Vic was in trouble.
Michael Dukakis, no not that one either, is a first-year political science minor who recounted to the Lemon a time he witnessed Vic “letting loose from his cloaca.” “It’s one of those things you just can’t look away from,” Dukakis explained, “You can never unsee a six–foot bird-man squatting umpire-style over the family hatchback.”
“It all started by following an impulse,” Vic admitted, “I was lonely, I was angry, I just wanted to let the world know how I feel—just one time!” Only it was not just one time; campus security reports indicate over 174 instances of ‘bird pooing’ since fall of 2020.
“What kind of bird am I?” Vic told Drew one day in response to her concern, “am I a hawk or some subspecies… I just don’t know anymore, even I don’t know what a ‘V-Hawk is!’” This was a clear cry for help.
After several months in rehabilitation, Vic is back to his old self. He credits the support from faculty, the love from Viterbo students, counseling services, and the improving weather to his recovery.
We can all agree it has been a difficult year. Like Vic, we have all experienced some tough times this past winter, maybe also with addiction. But now the sun is once again shining on all of us. Like Victor V-Hawk, we are finally beginning to recover and establish a new sense of normalcy.
