“Thanksgiving is a great time of year. Unless you’re a turkey,” Fowly Beaks, the new adjunct professor at Viterbo University, chirped when asked how she felt about Thanksgiving.
Beaks is described by students to have “small beady eyes and wear a weird red scarf around her neck.” Her walk is also described as more of a waddle. Students also have informed the Lemon that they have heard clucking and yelping from Beaks’ office.
These noises have been described by Jared Thornton, resident hunter, as typical noises that fowl make, specifically turkeys. Thornton explains, “As hunters, we are taught how to listen for these calls and how to repeat them to try and catch our game.”
History major, Morty Tolccum, expressed his concern for the teacher during a brief statement when she let out a weird sound that sounded like a purr and tried to sit in his lap. “She looked at me like I was an egg or something!” Tolccum said. “There have also been rumors buzzing on the snapchat that they have seen her laying an egg. My best friend Lyra Quinn swears that she has also been physically attacked by Professor Beaks because she was seen eating boiled eggs in class.”
Quinn has refused to comment, though the reporter did notice some strange scratches on her face and hands.
Students have reported that Beaks has been trying to discourage the consumption of turkey for this year’s Thanksgiving meals. “She’s an advocate for switching to ham.” Freshman journalism student Hailie Tolccum said. “The first day of class she had on the board ‘Pigs not Turkeys’ it reminded me of one of those billboards with the cow and the chicken. You know the one where the cow is telling you to eat chicken instead of beef?” Tolccum has also corroborated hearing the strange noises from beneath the professor’s door.
Junior social justice major, Jean-Luc Agreste has also talked about weird habits of Beaks. “She calls it Chex-mix, but I’m pretty sure it’s just bird food,” he told reporters.
It seems that this teacher has come to Viterbo with an agenda. Many students reported that she stood on desks, likely to be seen with her short stature, and advocated for turkey lives. Several students have reported that she has gone as far as to try and get the President of the United States to pardon all turkeys for this year’s festivities.
With only a few days until Thanksgiving, Beaks decided to grant an interview to try and set some of the rumors flying around Viterbo’s campus. “Do you really think that Viterbo’s administration would just allow a bird to teach students?” she asked, “I just have a strong feeling about fowl. They are intelligent and have families like you and me.” She explained that she grew up near a national park where hunting wasn’t allowed. She grew fond of the species and grew attached. She explained that she hates to see them hurt and that is why she became an advocate for them.
Since the interview with Beaks, the Lemon found out from Viterbo officials that Beaks was indeed impersonating a teacher. Officials said that Beaks was an actual person; her name was Miranda not Fowly, who was hired in mid-June to help with the staff shortage in the English department. The imposter was working to convince students that eating turkeys would be against Viterbo’s core values, convincing some of the freshman class that it was wrong.
Officials say that they don’t know when the turkey became aware of what was going on or when she learned to talk but they have removed the imposter and have made sure that she is happy and in a safe location.
Reporters have been able to track down imposter Beaks to ask her a few more questions. “I was trying to save my family,” imposter Beaks said not seeming phased. “If given the chance I would do it again. Remember, fowl are your friends this holiday season. Swap your meat choice out for pork, or even better give up meat completely and have a plant-based diet! You won’t regret it.”
Based on the reaction from students and those surveyed after imposter Beaks’ class some students have indeed decided that turkey is not on their Thanksgiving menu. Instead they will be enjoying tofu and plant-based products this year in honor of the turkey who tried so hard to convince everyone no to eat her family.
Happy holidays, be safe, and eat a lot of yummy food.
