Viterbo RAs reviewed after students claim punishments violate the treaties of the Geneva Convention

The Viterbo community was recently visited by some very unexpected guests—if you can call them guests—after a petition, signed by underclassmen residents of Viterbo, was submitted to the United Nations. No evidence was uncovered to support the petition’s claims; however, students and staff are left scratching their heads as to how this wild event occurred. 

On national flapjack day, two unmarked vans, with those spiny satellite dishes on top, arrived on campus carrying agents of the UN sent to review Viterbo Resident’s Life staff and copies of the student handbook. The cause for their visit? Well, according to the petition, Resident Life Associates violated the treaties of the Geneva Convention for “cruel and unusual punishment.” Though the investigation has been dropped, with no charges filed, few underclassmen still stand by their accusation. 

“It’s not right how they’re treating us,” stated Tammy Drunklestien, second-year undecided major, “They should not be allowed to raid my room anytime they please and rob me of my possessions!” Drunklestien, who threw a candle-decorating party in her on-campus apartment, relives the night she believes RAs crossed the line.  

“They say they entered because I ‘shouted’ for my friend Reed to ‘pour sour cherry bombs,’” Drunklestien said, “when I actually said he should, uh, ‘read us our merry Psalms?’” Though Drunklestien used a lot of air-quotes, she was in-fact found in possession of liquor bottles, underage, which have been confiscated, as well as the candles; Drunklestien argues the RAs on scene “planted them.” 

Two additional advocates for this petition were Viterbo couple, Velma Hart and Joey Arrow, first-year animal studies majors, who feel their punishments were also to be reviewed. “They can’t come between our love, it’s immoral,” stated Hart. “When I hear the knock of an RA on my door there is a pain in my heart! It’s always at that moment I know just how Juliet felt for her Romeo… oh, such unjust cruelty!”  When asked multiple times for a comment, Arrow simply did that chin-up nod, that guys do, and repeated, “What she said.” 

RA reports note that a “male voice” is often heard in Hart’s dorm after hours and, upon entering the room, RAs are “guaranteed to find Hart ‘studying’ on her futon while Arrow stands in the corner with a lampshade on his head.” The couple refused to comment on this information as it is “not relevant to the situation at hand.” 

As you can guess, this all came as quite a shock to our campus; especially to Viterbo resident assistants who were greatly hurt by these claims. Sandra Campbell, a third-year RA, commented on the UN’s reviewing of her colleagues. “There was no need for such drastic measures,” stated Campbell. “Trust me when I say, we hurt too when we knock on your door. If there is anything we can do as RAs to keep students informed and our job boring, we’ll do it.”