Fossils discovered in Viterbo’s business office

A remarkable discovery was made October 29, right here at Viterbo University. Real-life prehistoric fossils were discovered beneath the cement floors of Viterbo’s business office. The discovery, made by sophomore surfing major Mandible Mathews, has drawn international attention to our university from archeologists all over the world. 

“It really all happened by accident,” recalled Matthews.  He told the Lemon that he had initially been at the office to purchase a parking permit. Matthews stated that he had been on their waiting list for quite some time and was at the end of his rope.  

“I guess I just lost it for a sec,” Matthews explained, “I shoved this heavy statue over and it crashed down onto the floor. It was silent for a second—you could have heard a pin drop—and then, we all gazed in awe at what was revealed within the hole I made.” 

In the hole, Matthews described what we now know to be human remains dated thousands of years old, labeled by visiting archeologist Willard T. Bones, Ph.D. “It is a remarkable discovery,” Bones said. “We have no records of a human population existing on these grounds until only a few hundred years ago.” 

A phenomenal find, indeed. In further excavation of the site, archeologists have also uncovered ancient record books, file cabinets, staplers, and glasses with those little beads that go around your neck so you don’t lose them. These further discoveries, as researchers theorize, prove the existence of an ancient business office, possibly from the Neolithic Age! 

“Viterbo’s business office was filled with Neanderthals!” exclaimed Bones. “We never would have thought such a discovery was possible in North America.” According to Bones, Neanderthals only existed in early Europe and Western Asia between 250,000 to 28,000 years ago. It is remarkable, then, that remains were found today, right under our feet. 

Phoebe Fibula, junior star-sign major, reflected on this new fact. “It’s crazy to think that tens of thousands of years ago, students just like me were waiting in line to receive financial aid. Did they trade shells, beads, or cool rocks as their currency?” Fibula pondered, “Why were there fossils outside the office? Were there students who waited so long in line that they died?” 

For the safe excavation of these fossils and artifacts, Viterbo officials have closed Murphy Center until further notice. Viterbo officials also stated that once these objects are removed a full exhibit will be on display in the business office before being moved to a national museum. To receive admission to this exhibit, the business office encourages students to get on a waiting list as soon as possible.