Losing presidential candidate calls for a revote after ‘fraudulent’ student election

The email polls have closed, votes have been tallied, and a winner determined, but the fight for the seat of student body president may not yet be over. A campus-wide ‘revote’ has been called at the request of losing candidate, junior business major Ronald Dump.  

What was accepted initially as a decisive victory for the president-elect, sophomore theatre major John Bittenbiden, has now been brought to question by the Dump campaign. Dump himself took to social media to voice his concerns. 

“Everybody knows I am the next student-body president,” stated Dump in a tweet. “Bittenbiden is a liar, not good with the ladies, hard to watch on stage, and he cheated off me in religious studies; true story.” The validity of Dump’s comments has yet to be verified. 

“I think the students of Viterbo are clever enough to see through Dump,” replied Bittenbiden. “I’d welcome a revote,” he said. “If this bozo wants an encore, I’ll give him one deserving of a standing ovation.”  

The university has yet to decide if a ‘revote’ is necessary and student interest seems to be lacking. “There were student elections?” asked senior nursing major Julie Anderson. “I guess I must’ve missed the memo.” Much to the Lemon’s surprise, almost every student interviewed gave similar responses. 

Calvin Clark, a sophomore engineering major, said, “I honestly had no idea we even had a student body president.” This reporter then asked Clark what his stance was on the big Dump hold-up. However, Clark simply smirked, blew a short burst of air out his nose, repeated “big Dump hold-up” under his breath, and walked away. 

Though most students have shown no interest in a campus recount, some students are standing behind Dump in his push to make a mess. “It’s comforting to know I won’t have to push alone,” Dump said. “I have people to hold my hand, dab the sweat off my brow, and help me wipe away the corruption present in this election.” 

Countering this motion are Bittenbiden’s supporters and friends. “I find it absurd the university is even considering this,” stated sophomore theatre major Anna Gord. “Bittenbiden is the clear victor,” echoed first-year theatre major James Hardt. “It just wouldn’t be ethical to go back on the voice of the people,” added junior music theatre major Henry Hokinson. 

As of this article’s publication, no official statement has been announced by Viterbo. Bittenbiden, however, has since encouraged students who care to “be patient, get vaccinated, and let democracy prevail.” The Lemon will continue to cover this story as it develops.