Viterbo University’s budget has been undeniably affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. Students yearned for the return of in-person classes and an on-campus education, requiring exorbitant amounts of funding towards cleaning supplies and technological resources. While manageable, prioritizing these expenditures meant that money needed to be pulled from other aspects of the budget. This did not pose any problems for Viterbo University throughout the entire fall semester, but the beginning of the spring brought the budget committee a rude awakening.
Two days before the beginning of the semester, students discovered that the university forgot to assign a professor to teach Intro to Earth Science. An essential part of many students plans, this class could not simply be removed from the schedule. Upholding their commitment to their students, Viterbo University raked together their limited funds and found a professor to fill the role: Dr. Moai.
Dr. Moai, a brand-new adjunct professor, is a rock with googly eyes glued to it. Hailing from the collection of stones outside of the university’s Physical Plant building, Moai has spent most of her life on Viterbo grounds. “We didn’t want to just pick the first reasonable applicant,” an anonymous board member explained, continuing, “we wanted to make sure our new professor was someone who grew up in this community.”
Moai sets a new standard for educators in the United States based on her credentials alone. Unlike Viterbo University’s other professors, Moai has no previous job experience, no education, no service hours, and no references. One anonymous board member said the lack of accolades was a deterrence at first, but one defining feature stood out. “Her criminal record is impeccable,” the board member shared. This is indeed true, as Dr. Moai has a squeaky-clean criminal record. In fact, she has not received so much as a parking ticket since the literal dawn of time itself.
Being completely inanimate and incapable of expressing any thoughts, feelings, or valuable contributions whatsoever, Moai does a surprisingly good job teaching Intro to Earth Science. In a survey conducted by the university, 98% of students felt they were learning everything about Earth Science that they would need in their future careers. Twenty percent of those students were not even aware their professor was a rock until completing the survey.
Dr. Moai’s coworkers have nothing but rave reviews for their newest companion. According to faculty and staff, Moai has been nothing but respectful since she started working at Viterbo University. Moai is said to be the strong and silent type, doing a lot more listening than talking. She never hogs the faculty fridge, she never causes drama, and she was generous enough to accept a below-average salary during these trying times as well as the university’s dental plan.
As we progress through the school year, please make sure to pay Dr. Moai a visit. Though she may not show it, she certainly loves the company. Moai was asked by the Lemon for a quote but has yet to respond in any way.