New ceremony for graduating seniors declared “a flop!”

Disappointment was the outcome of the V-Hawk Graduation Planning Committee’s newest event to celebrate seniors. The aptly named “Leaving the Nest” ceremony for seniors was pitched by University President, Victor V-Hawk, to be “the symbolic sending of graduating students out of the nest and soaring into the world.” However, the committee took President V-Hawk’s words a bit too literally, it would seem … 

Months ago, April Showers and Breen Mayflowers, joint senior-class representatives, were approached by President V-Hawk to plan this event, which the two gladly accepted. “I could not believe it,” stated Showers, “the opportunity to plan the first event, in decades, to celebrate seniors, how could I refuse?” In a similar vein, Flowers said, “We poured our hearts and souls into planning this event … it’s too bad we didn’t have the outcome we’d hoped for.” 

The day before graduation, a telephone poll, with a ladder nailed on, was set up in the Assisi Courtyard. A top of the pole was a birds’ nest, artfully constructed by the committee, where President V-Hawk and others stood to conduct the ceremony.  

After some hors d’oeuvres, opening remarks, and a long-winded speech from the board chair, seniors were then ceremoniously pushed out the nest to “soar” into their lives. “Nobody can deny, it was a nice sentiment, I felt it in my heart,” stated Patty Wack, senior bowling major, “However, what I felt moments after was the not-so-nice cement … with my body.” 

“That was their idea of honoring seniors!?” asked Marge Motley, a concerned parent, “one lousy picnic is not enough to celebrate these kids … the University ought to do more.” Also to comment was class of ‘84 alumni, Shannon Shakopee, who said, “Our family gives a large chunk-o-change to this University, the least they could do is serve us some decent food. The Veal Tartare with Trout Roe, Capers, and Fiore Sardo Dressing was far too dry. Bleeech!” An accurate count of the injured has yet to be announced. 

“You just can’t please everyone, I guess,” Said professor B. K. Whopper, committee advisor, “The best we can do is take what we’ve learned this year and apply it with next year’s seniors.” When asked what improvements we can expect to make the ceremony more meaningful to seniors, Whopper replied, “IDK, add some candles? Do you think that’d work?”