Campus Security purchases flapping-inflatable-arm men to ward off shady individuals

Reportedly, Campus Security is implementing the use of flapping-inflatable-arm men to ward off evildoers from Viterbo’s campus. The idea stemmed from a unanimous decision by the SGA to install one flapping-inflatable-arm man for Courtyard Carnie. The flapping-inflatable-arm man worked out great during the carnie, however, when night fell, many local criminals began to complain that the flapping-inflatable-arm man was terrifying. 

Local cat burglar, Ham Burglar, commented “I walk across Viterbo’s campus many-a-night without issue. Well, until last night.” Burglar said, “I saw an eight-foot man! I thought he was waving to me, so I waved back. But then his body began contorting like a demon! I was so scared I dropped my loot!” 

Burglar was not alone in this experience. Campus Security noticed a decrease in shady individuals being reported around campus since the installment of the flapping-inflatable-arm man. “This is a remarkable discovery, man,” said Swiper No-Swiping, head of Campus Security. “If one whacky inflatable arm man can do this much good, imagine the good that more can do!”  

More whacky inflatable arm men did arrive on campus. Three hundred more, to be exact. At the cost of next year’s Viterbo undergraduates, the purchase of these whacky inflatable arm men will be applied to next year’s tuition cost. The purchase of these hundreds of inflatable arm men, according to No-Swiping, “Is a necessary price to pay for campus safety.” Students do not seem to share this sentiment and would like them gone. 

“I have not been able to sleep for days, man!” said Senior psychology major, Chadd Chaddington. “Those lifeless eyes, unchanging faces, and elusive flailing arms! They fill my nightmares! I cannot sleep! I cannot eat! I look in the mirror and only see an inflatable man laughing back at me!” The interview with Chaddington ended abruptly, as he was ushered away. 

“Is this really an effective use of student money?” asked Professor of Etymology, Wanda Words. “I just do not see the benefit in having students feel like they are being watched all the time.” Words goes on to say, “If No-Swiping keeps up with these quick fix shenanigans, this whole university will soon be a ghost town!” The Lemon will keep this story updated as it develops.