BREAKING NEWS: New mask guidelines make Covid magically disappear

Maybe it’s prophecy, coincidence, or even science—Covid is gone! After new CDC guidelines were issued, mandating masks has become a thing of the past. Places everywhere are no longer requiring masks and, just like that, POOF! Covid is forgotten! Finally, things are back to normal; except for here at Viterbo, that is. 

“What a relief it has been not thinking about Covid,” stated Johnny Longsocks, senior sports major, “I mean, I haven’t really been wearing my mask anyway, but I will finally be able to walk around the mall without everyone’s eyeballs on me.” What Longsocks is referring to, of course, is the negative stigma attached to the act of not wearing a mask. 

Echoing Longsocks’ stigmatic concern were junior food majors, Patty Melt and Cole Slaw. Melt said, “Hopefully the CDC will de-stigmatize coughing/sneezing next. I am still so self-conscious every time I feel a sneeze coming on; like, come on, can’t a gal sneeze without being judged?” Slaw told the Lemon he hopes to again return to the days he could, “drop a deuce, then skip the sink.” 

Yes, as if zapped away by magical wizards Covid is totally off our radar. Therefore, all the events that were impossible before can now resume. We polled Viterbo’s students to see what they are excited to get back to doing. 

“I am going to my sister’s wedding to see my grandmother smile,” said Madison Melons. “I am going to London to have tea under Big Ben,” said Courtney Cockney. “I’m going to a rock metal festival!” stated Val Virginia, “I cannot wait to be back in the mosh pit, getting punched in the face, while my favorite band, ‘Satan’s Errand Boyz’ shred their hit song, ‘Dry Dream.’” 

These all sound like great activities which, without being Covid conscious, are completely safe now. On Viterbo’s campus, however, mask mandates have yet to be lifted. According to Dr. Anthony Gucci, chair of the Covid response team at Viterbo, it is “not safe yet to take off our masks… Covid is still VERY MUCH here, and people need to know that.” 

“Doctor Gucci is right Covid is still here, it’s dangerous and people need to be informed,” stated Tina Fey, no not that one, Viterbo outreach coordinator, “I have just signed off on a new health safety mascot. He is a pair of lungs that has dyspnea, a result of Covid, and his name is Dippy. He is always out of breath, he can’t taste a darn thing, and he always thinks he’s smelling cigarettes. Oh, and his catch phrase is, ‘Covid, you take my breath away!’” Focus groups are split in regard to Dippy’s effectiveness.